April 15, 2013
Perhaps you noticed that Mama’s not quite herself today. I’m a little sad…a little impatient. For reasons you don’t know and can’t yet understand, I am out of sorts. Today, two bombs ripped through Boston and tore through my heart. Today, a boy—just a little older than you lost his life simply standing on the sidelines cheering for his dad. His mom and sister will never be the same. In what should have been a moment of such triumph, so much was lost.
I couldn’t help but think of all the times that you boys have stood on the sidelines with Daddy cheering me on for so many races. Grandma couldn’t help thinking about that too. With cracked voice, she called just as I was putting you boys to bed to express how very happy she was that I hadn’t been running that particular race…that you and Daddy hadn’t been the ones holding the signs…standing in the wrong place at the wrong time.
The pain of parenting is just too overwhelming at times…loving someone so ferociously from your core and knowing, being reminded that you can’t always protect them…knowing, being reminded that with the freedom to experience beauty and joy and adventure comes the risk that something terrible could happen out there in the big, wide world. Sometimes I am almost suffocated by the knowledge that there is so much outside of my control when it comes to you boys. That knowledge perpetually pulses beneath my skin. On days like today, it comes screaming to the surface.
So, years from now, when you look back on the days in your childhood when Mama wasn’t as patient as she should have been…when the tolerance for brotherly bickering was nonexistent, know that THIS is what that was all about: I need to know that even when I’m not around to love you that you will at least try to love each other…even when I’m not around to protect you that you will at least try to protect each other.
In the best of circumstances, the time we get to be here is far too short. Please spend your time loving, laughing, helping. Make sure your time here is joyous. Forgive each other and forgive your Mama for the times when she just couldn’t bear to see you fight. Have adventures, experience beauty and when something ugly happens… thank all the beautiful people who are trying to make it better, BE one of the beautiful people who is trying to make it better.
Love You Madly,