Gluten Free Cookbook

Baking with B

A couple of months ago, I created a gluten free cookbook for a fundraiser at Oscar’s school. It’s not fancy but it contains a few recipes that might be helpful to those who are seeking some easy gluten free deliciousness. Since a few friends have asked for copies, I am posting it here. Click the link below and print double-sided if you’d like a hard copy for your kitchen.

Note that if you are also dairy intolerant, in most cases almond milk or coconut milk make good substitutes. Also, goat cheese can make a satisfying replacement for cheeses. Many markets (including Nugget and Costco) have a great selection of different kinds of goat cheese. Have fun experimenting and bon appétit!

Gluten Free Cookbook

April 2012 009

In Spite of Us

Earlier today, I read this blog post about the current controversy surrounding girly Legos. When I read the concerns some parents are expressing, I heard an echo from the distant past and had to wrinkle my nose a little at the remembrance of my high-and-mighty pre-mommy self…the woman who had many theories but no practical information on how this whole parenting thing was about to go down. In my pre-mommy theoretical mind, I used to fantasize that any children who entered MY house would have a gender neutral experience…that girls would play with trucks and boys would play with dolls. I had many self-righteous “My child will NEVER _______ !” thoughts and plenty far-from-reality visions of how things will ultimately work out.

In my pre-mommy mind, I surmised that me and my artist/musician/metrosexual hubby would surely produce sensitive, artsy, calm, dancing children who would spend their days zenfully contemplating life and sensitively caring for others. Boy or girl, I imagined my offspring would be comfortable playing against type and mixing it up with the opposite gender. Imagine my surprise when–in fact–we ended up with a couple of potty-mouthed, wrestling, “Where-the-Wild-Things-Are” frat boys.

Almost seven years into this little experiment called parenthood, I have come to realize that the actual truth about who kids become is this: they are who they are, they like what they like in spite of us. There are girls who love girly things, boys who love boyish things, girls who love boyish things and boys who love girly things. All of that wishing that everything would be gender neutral was a bit unrealistic and naive. Some girls (and boys) just like girly things. Some boys (and girls) like boyish things. There isn’t really a darn thing all the gender-neutral thinking in the world can do about it.

With regard to this particular issue, here is the truth that I have come to understand: it’s not my job to make things neutral or to mold my kids into some preconceived fantasy of what imagined they’d become. It’s my job to DISCOVER who they are and to love them accordingly. It’s my job to make sure they always feel loved and accepted–even when they surprise me. It’s my job to help them understand that lasting happiness can never be achieved by pretending to be something you are not and that life is too short to waste time wishing that folks will be any different than they are. It’s my job to model what it’s like to be open and accepting of all different kinds of folks. Hopefully this will help my rambunctious ruffians to be open and accepting too…even if they grow up to be pirates.

Invalidity

It has now been 16 days since the crash that derailed–or at least seriously redirected–the summer in the Wisnia house. So much has happened in that short span to shift my thinking about my life and the people in it. For the most part,  I have been overwhelmed by the positivity and love that surrounds us. We’ve scarcely had to cook given the frequent delivery of delicious meals. The boys haven’t missed a single activity thanks to the many who have so graciously descended to give rides here there and everywhere. We’ve had help with shopping and cleaning and occupying the boys so that they don’t feel like they’re missing out even though there’s much that their mommy can’t do right now. Most moments are filled with love and joy and gratitude.

And then there are the other moments…the moments when I feel completely castrated…the moments when all I want to do is climb up into Oscar’s loft to tuck him in or comfort him when he’s had a bad dream but I can’t. There are moments when I think about all that I COULD be doing since I’m home like vacuuming, washing windows, organizing the boxes of accumulated junk in the garage, even simple things like knocking down cobwebs–and then I remember that I can’t. Even something as simple as getting a glass of water is a complicated task these days as I hop on one leg, try to manage crutches, navigate awkwardly around our tiny, cramped house. Some days–other than the obvious reason of escaping my own stench–I am left to wonder why I’m even bothering to bathe. There is nowhere to go, very little to do. These are hard facts for someone like me who is always going, always doing.

There have also been a few demoralizing moments when I have found support sadly lacking in surprising places. It’s hard to feel supported when navigating the bureaucratic purgatory of so many confusing forms and convoluted processes required to get paid, maintain benefits, obtain accommodations. On more than one occasion, I have been made to feel like I am somehow making up or embellishing the truth of my condition to get special treatment. In these moments, I just feel icky and hopeless and shocked. As someone who has been sucking it up and soldiering on my entire life, I am beyond insulted by the implication that I am somehow doing anything short of what is physically possible for me at this moment.

I am terrified that I may never run again. I am heartbroken to hear Boris say that he wishes he had a mommy who didn’t have a broken foot. I am deflated when simple things that used to take seconds take minutes, hours, or worse–aren’t even possible to accomplish right now.

I am bolstered by the fact that I WILL get better. I can’t even begin to imagine what it must be like for the many many people who must face the truth that their particular accident has caused damage that can never be repaired, will never get any better. As stated–for the most part I am nothing short of grateful for all that has happened since I’ve been laid up. I’m grateful it it was my foot that was smashed–not my head or my neck. I am grateful that healing is possible.

Still, the not-so-fluffy moments are real and important to acknowledge and remember too. I think that this time will help me to have so much more compassion going forward. I have been forever changed both by the immense love we have experienced and the few bits of indifference/lack of compassion we have experienced. I will forever remember how I definitely DO and definitely DON’T want to make people feel in their moment of need. At times like this, there is enough darkness to overcome in one’s one mind. Nobody who’s truly hurting should be made to feel like they have to prove the extent of their hurt to anyone. Nobody should be made to struggle to feel valid when they are convalescing and already struggling against their own feelings of invalidity.

My Left Foot: Summer Plan B

X-RaySo…anyone who has been following me on Facebook knows by now that on June 4th, I had a gnarly bike accident that resulted in me basically breaking my foot in half and dislocating every single one of (and breaking some of) my toes. Surgery to repair the damage is tomorrow. Mandatory bed rest will last most (if not all) of the summer. The this unfortunate turn of events has reinforced many truths. These include:

  1. Wearing a wedge heel while biking is perhaps not the best choice (even if I think I look fabulous doing it).
  2. Life is an unexpected and crazy thing that is totally beyond my control (even though I like to pretend otherwise in my most Type A moments).
  3. Good health care is essential (even for those of us who think ourselves relatively spry and healthy).
  4. Trying times are generally rife with silver linings and hidden blessings.

Immediately following the accident, Good Samaritans started pouring in. My neighbor (who was biking with Ouch!me) and some kind stranger doing Tai Chi in Central Park rushed to get me out of the street and make me as comfortable as possible on a park bench until Chris could arrive to take me to the ER. Another kind stranger appeared from nowhere with a bag of ice. Before I had even officially put out the word on what had happened, we were receiving calls and messages from people who heard something bad had happened who wanted to know how they could help.

I have been nothing less that astounded by the speed with which our “village” has descended to surround us during our time of need. One fellow Type A organizer with a giant, beautiful, shiny heart even spent a morning sitting next to me on my sick bed setting up a website where folks could sign up to bring food, take the boys to their summer activities, do our shopping. My mom and sister swooped in to help me handle parties and other pending commitments. We’ve had deliveries of several delicious dinners, neighbors taking the boys to swim lessons, offers to help put the boys to bed while Chris is at work, great medical advice from doctor friends, and loans of awesome medical equipment. We even received a lovely card with a gift certificate for house cleaning inside! The list of all that we have to be grateful for goes on and on. My heart could seriously burst!

Less obvious but deeply profound are the benefits of being able to linger with my boys on these summer days. Sleepy CuddlesWhile it’s certainly not how I would have wanted it to happen, it has been such an exquisite gift to be able to have so many long cuddles, eat meals slowly all together while having rich conversation. Sure, I wish I could take them to the pool and ride bikes and train for that half marathon I signed up to do Labor Day weekend. Since I can’t, I am relishing this probably once-in-a-lifetime elimination of excuses to just be still…to savor my lovelies in a way that the on-the-go me so seldom does. The boys are learning to be more independent, helpful, empathetic. These are skills that I hope they continue to hone forever. Even after the cast comes off for good, maybe we’ll all be a little better at being still and savoring one another. So Summer Plan A is a bust but Summer Plan B is turning out to be pretty OK too. Thank you, universe for this chance to be still and feel so much love.

Wave

As Is

“As is.” It’s a phrase used to describe something that—while not perfect—might be worth something anyway. It implies damage—not the irreparable kind but damage nonetheless. The clear implication is this: if you’re looking for perfect, this isn’t it; if you’re looking for something that could be beautiful if given a chance…this one’s worth a shot.

When talking about wedding vows with a friend recently, this phrase came to mind. Anyone who has bounced around in the sea of life long enough to be thinking about wedding vows has undoubtedly garnered a few scrapes and dings along the way. The marks and scars of all that has come before are there—even when said marks can’t be seen with the naked eye. We’re all “As is” in one way or another.

When Chris and I wrote our wedding vows almost a dozen years ago, we started with this: “I embrace you…with all your quirks and imperfections.” We promised to stick it out even on the tough days…to hang together through all the unknown but inevitable changes, scrapes, challenges, dings that were yet to come. Though we saw the existing damage, anticipated more bumps ahead, we also saw the potential and rolled up our sleeves to work hard at creating something lovely.

Both in and out of the romantic context, I am lucky to have a heart, a life is filled with wonderfully, interestingly damaged people. We all bear the marks of the good and bad that has come before. Together we persevere. Despite flaws and foibles, fears and failures, we strive to know more, be better…to keep opening our hearts and minds again and again in hopes that THIS time we’ll get it right. Even with so many imperfections, we see the beauty, the potential and we embrace one another with all of our quirks and imperfections. We gratefully, unconditionally accept one another “As is.”

Summer Camp: Wisnia Style!

It’s hard to believe that summer is almost here! While Chris and I don’t have a lot of expendable income, we DO have the monumental benefit of staggered schedules—such that one of us is always home with the boys during the summer. Fortunately, there are plenty of low/no cost activity options in Davis. We splurge on a couple of camps the boys REALLY want to do and then gratefully tap into free/cheap stuff the rest of the summer. We don’t ever manage to do all the stuff we plan but it’s nice to have a sort of framework so that—on the days the boys are bored or we’re about the throw them out the window ;)—we can look forward to some activities to focus their minds and burn off all that energy they store in their tiny bodies. If having a framework appeals to you too, feel free to repurpose our chart to fit your family’s summer fun! Here’s a link:

Davis Village Summer Camp-DRAFT

Love Notes for Mama

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The pace of life has been frenetic of late. All of the end-of-school year brouhaha has more than caught up with me. It has taken me over, left me in the dust. As I watch all of the details I am supposed to be remembering rapidly pull away, grow tiny on the horizon, I am scratching my head wondering how exactly I got so far behind. And then there is today: Mothers’ Day. Usually I have already had a Mothers’ Day tea with my mom and siblings. Usually, I have situated myself well for a day of rest and relaxation. Today, I have a mountain of things to get done and little inspiration to achieve them. I am overwhelmed and just want to lie down and take a nap. Given that it is Mothers’ Day after all–perhaps I should.

When I get to feeling like this–all wrapped up in the minutia–I try to step back and survey the scene from a great distance for perspective. When time has passed–say 5 years from now–what will I remember about today? Will I remember all of the things I have NOT accomplished…the school shirts I haven’t ordered, the papers I need to look through and organize, the empty refrigerator that needs to be filled, the lawn that needs to be mowed, the sprinklers that need to be fixed…or will I remember the snuggles I had with my boys, the delicious breakfast we shared, the run with my sweet and trusty and deaf old dog. Five years from now, will my memories be filled with images of the laundry that needs to be folded or the beautiful cards, noodle necklace, drawings and paintings the boys made? These are the things that will go in the memory box. So why don’t I just start focusing on them now? Why wait 5 years to remember what’s important and let go of all the rest?

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And so, to begin, here is the card that Boris made. It says: “Dear Mom, I like to watch TV with you. I like Jake [and the Neverland Pirates], Special Agent Oso, Mickey Mouse, and The Three Mousekateers.” It’s signed expertly in his 4-year-old scrawl next to a beautiful picture of his smiling face.

Oscar made me a watercolor painting. On the back, he wrote “Querida mamá, te quiero mucho! Eres fuerte y hermoso. Me gusta cuando juegas conmigo. Eres la mejor mamá del mundo entero. Con amor, Oscar” It means “Dear Mama, I love you very much! You are strong and beautiful. I like when you play with me. You are the best mom in the whole world. With love, Oscar.”

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When I start to drown in all that hasn’t been done, I will pull up these sweet little love notes from my boys and cling to them until the sea calms and I feel that I can swim to safety. All of these things that seem so urgently pressing today are dwarfed by the knowledge that I am connected to two beautiful souls who–even on my most disorganized, worst day–love me and at least for this precious moment think that I am strong and beautiful and the best mom in the whole world.

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BOYS!

Over the weekend, I was talking with some parents and teachers about BOYS and boy energy. The discussion reminded me of something I wrote in the wake of the tragedy in Newtown, CT. If you didn’t see it the first time around on Facebook, here it is again…

Like everyone, I have been raw…numb…overwhelmed by the news from Connecticut. Over the weekend, my heart could not bear to hear another detail and so I unplugged from the news for a couple of days. Only yesterday was I able to bring myself to behold the beautiful faces of the lovelies that were lost.

Last night, after reading many, many articles and posts, I got to thinking about my own boys…the games they play…the things they watch. Admittedly, they enjoy…seek out…crave games with guns and swords. Every stick they find at the park becomes a weapon.  Their imaginations run wild with thoughts of fighting and smashing. Their drawings are filled with terrifying villains, punching superheroes. When they are pretending, their tiny mouths rattle with the sounds of gunfire and explosions. There is just something inside the marrow of almost every boy I know (both small and grown) that compels them to fantasize about smashing and punching and shooting and stabbing. Boys like to break things open and see how they work.

Mothers of most boys can relate to what I am saying. Long before Connecticut, I had many exasperated conversations with other boy moms about our boys and their need to break EVERYTHING, get FILTHY, turn every encounter into a WRESTLING MATCH. Even grown up peace-loving guitar-playing, art-making men like my hubby (who—for the record—has NEVER been in a physical fight in his LIFE) seem to have a lizard brain need to watch things get smashed (e.g., football, boxing, wrestling).

And so…what is a Boy Mom to do in the wake of such violence to make sure that the games remain games, fantasy remains fantasy…and in the real world…our boys understand the importance of gentility and compassion? How do we make sure that they know it’s their job to care for and protect others, to empathize?

Because of background in education and psychology and my love of research and science, I am unable to jump onto the “It’s all the violent video games and scary movies!” bandwagon. Even without an electronic device in site, I’ve seen boy after boy tackle and tumble and poke and play fight. Millions of boys and men all over the world have heads full of violence but only a tiny fraction morph into homicidal maniacs. And so, what IS the common denominator? What DOES the research indicate?

My experience and the research of others seems to indicate that the issues are many and trouble really begins when kids are/are feeling isolated, disconnected, misunderstood. The situation is seriously exacerbated by mental illness that goes untreated. When disconnected, issue-laden kids don’t have early and regular access to appropriate interventions/services…when said kids have ready access to mechanisms of harm…we should all be very, very afraid.

After pondering all of this, I made the decision that my best bet in raising boys who care about others, who repair rather than harm is to make sure that they always feel connected, supported; that they have the tools to express even scary emotions calmly and appropriately. Last night, I sat Boris and Oscar down and had a conversation that went something like…

Me: “Do you know the real reason that Mom doesn’t like you playing games with guns and swords and stuff like that?”

Boys: “Why?”

Me: “Because I worry that you might start to think that things that happen in the game or movie are OK to do in real life. You know that in real life, we use our words, not our fists and feet and weapons, right?”

Boys: “Right.”

Me: “Also, in real life, you know that if there is something scary like a bad guy, a fire, or a scary animal…what should you do?”

Boys: “Run far away from the danger as fast as we can.”

Me: “Right! And find who?”

Boys: “An adult we can trust like a teacher or a mommy with kids.”

Me: “Right! And what do you say?”

Boys: “There’s an emergency! Call 9-1-1!”

Me: “Amazing! You guys are so good! So here’s the deal I’m going to make with you boys…I will let you continue to play your games with guns and swords and stuff like that under three conditions. (1) TV and video games are like candy for your brain, right? So if you’re going to have candy, you need to first eat your vegetables. That means doing good stuff for your brain like homework, reading, and exercise FIRST. (2) If Daddy or I see you acting in real life the way the guys act in movies or video games, what do you think is going to happen?”

Boys: “Turn it off.”

Me: “That’s right! If Daddy or I see you acting like a video game, WE ARE SHUTTING IT DOWN. The computer, the TV will both be UNPLUGGED and there will be NO MORE TV OR VIDEO GAMES FOR YOU.”

Boys: “OK.”

Me: “So the third condition is this: Since lots of the other moms and dads we know do not want their kids playing games with guns and swords and stuff, I DO NOT WANT TO SEE ANY OF THAT KIND OF STUFF ON WHEN WE HAVE COMPANY OVER. Understand?”

Boys: “Yeah.”

Me: “Sound fair?”

Boys: “Yeah.”

After our talk, there was lots of cuddling and some ice cream. I debriefed Chris when he got home from work last night and this morning, we recapped the conversation as a family.

I cannot stop my boys from being BOYS but what I can do is make sure they feel connected, supported. I can make sure they live in a connected community where we know our neighbors and have lots of eyes and ears…where if they step even ONE toe out of line, I’m going to hear about it so we can intervene immediately. I can make sure they do community service and help others to foster their empathy. I can use my motherly intuition to detect if mental illness is heartbreakingly descending and—rather than sticking my head in the sand—I can act swiftly and boldly, gratefully tap into the great mental health benefits that I am lucky to enjoy through my work. Finally, I can make sure that there is NEVER a gun in my house so that I never have to worry that my boys or anyone else will get hold of it and use it to do harm.

I cannot change what has happened. I cannot take away the shock and horror that we are all feeling in these tender days. The best I can do is love my boys even when they’re being BOYS and give them the tools to navigate a sometimes very scary world.

Life Outside the Core

Life inside the inner sanctum can be crazy enough but when we venture to the extended family outer limits, things can get stranger still…

Wife-ing

If you are not yourself a lover of all things comics, it takes a special perspective to partner with someone who lives and breathes comic books. Here I will tell the tales of centering vacations around comic book conventions…of occasionally being a “Booth Babe,” and of the many joys of navigating rooms full of colorful toys and books that your wee boys are expected to NOT TOUCH! It’s a fun ride and I look forward to taking you along…