The Importance of Rembembering

In the hussle and bustle of life, it is so very easy to forget…to get wrapped up in one’s own little triumphs and tragedies…to let go of the gravity of happennings outside one’s own head, own house, own neighborhood. And then there are moments when the bubble is broken…when everything so seemingly important becomes instantly insignificant. Suddenly humility and reflection are the only options. While conducting an internet search for an old work project tonight, I came across this article, these pictures, this video.

Suddenly everything that I thought I needed to accomplish tonight was overwhelmed by a need to stop and remember…to hold in my heart the families that are still mourning, the holes that will never be filled.

Also were thoughts of an amazing community that came together in just 3 short days to hold hands, have hope in what seemed a very hopeless time. When the clouds parted, voices lifted and togehter we dared to dream of something better. I’m still dreaming and hoping and remembering. I know I’m not the only one.

Not Always the One


Earlier today, I sent the boys off to their last day of all-day karate camp. It’s been an exhausting week…especially for them. With Daddy out of town and Mommy hopping around one-footed trying to make it all happen, we’re all a little worn out–both physically and emotionally. We’re all craving a return to normalcy.

The boys have been SO amazing. They have really learned to soldier up, to help out and–aside from the occasional epic meltdown–they’ve done it. They’ve both become masters of making their beds, watering the garden, feeding the animals, and helping with meal prep and cleanup. Chores are a regular part of their day and that’s a VERY good thing.

Still, it breaks my heart a little to know that so young they have had to assimilate the truth that their Mama will not always be the one they can count on. Every day, in big ways and small, they will need to become more self-reliant. Sometimes–even their strong, do-everything-and-make-it-look-easy mama just CAN’T. This is a fact I had hoped to keep hidden at least a little while longer.

This morning, B had and especially hard time. A few times this week, he has commented on how tired he is. During breakfast, he fell apart. When the storm clouds cleared and we were talking about what’s going on with him, he said, “I’m just so tired. I just don’t like having so many things to do.” While proud that he’s able to so clearly articulate at the age of 4, I couldn’t help but well up a little, hurt for all the truths he’s had to experience this summer. There have been times when both boys were so exhausted and just didn’t want to suit up and head to the next activity. Alas, a ride had been arranged, the activity had been paid for so I would dry their eyes, comfort them the best I could, and send them off to their next assignment.

Oscar decorating my cast with two of the many lovely people who came to help out and uplift this summer.

I’m so thrilled to have the kind of community that is so eager and willing to surround us as they have. I am also sad that I have not always been the one. As their mom, I want to be the one to see them try and learn. I want to be the one to greet them with a smile and a kiss at the end of the day. I even want to be the one to correct them when they step out of line. Mostly…when they’re sad or tired or hurt, I want to be the one to comfort them, to hold them, to soothe them as only a mama can. 

This summer, I have had so many wonderful moments, so many opportunities to reconnect with lovely people as they come and go…so unselfishly giving of their time and talents to help us out. Words fail to express the genuine love I feel toward everyone who has done their part to get us through. Words also fail to experss the sadness I feel for the missed moments I will never get back.

What I’m looking forward to most when this is all over is being the ONE again. I can’t wait to savor simple pleasures like conversing the car, deciding spontaneously to stop for ice cream, raising my eyebrows in that special way that only a mother can to stop bad behavior before it even gets a chance to get going. Mostly, I can’t wait to see firsthand–as only a mother’s eyes can–the many ways in which my boys are miraculous, remarkable, worthy of my undivided presence and attention. Even though my boys have seen this summer how very much I can’t, I hope that they also see that if there’s any possible way I can, I WILL. I hope that when all is said and done, they also can’t help but want me to return to being THE ONE.

My Left Foot: Summer Plan B

X-RaySo…anyone who has been following me on Facebook knows by now that on June 4th, I had a gnarly bike accident that resulted in me basically breaking my foot in half and dislocating every single one of (and breaking some of) my toes. Surgery to repair the damage is tomorrow. Mandatory bed rest will last most (if not all) of the summer. The this unfortunate turn of events has reinforced many truths. These include:

  1. Wearing a wedge heel while biking is perhaps not the best choice (even if I think I look fabulous doing it).
  2. Life is an unexpected and crazy thing that is totally beyond my control (even though I like to pretend otherwise in my most Type A moments).
  3. Good health care is essential (even for those of us who think ourselves relatively spry and healthy).
  4. Trying times are generally rife with silver linings and hidden blessings.

Immediately following the accident, Good Samaritans started pouring in. My neighbor (who was biking with Ouch!me) and some kind stranger doing Tai Chi in Central Park rushed to get me out of the street and make me as comfortable as possible on a park bench until Chris could arrive to take me to the ER. Another kind stranger appeared from nowhere with a bag of ice. Before I had even officially put out the word on what had happened, we were receiving calls and messages from people who heard something bad had happened who wanted to know how they could help.

I have been nothing less that astounded by the speed with which our “village” has descended to surround us during our time of need. One fellow Type A organizer with a giant, beautiful, shiny heart even spent a morning sitting next to me on my sick bed setting up a website where folks could sign up to bring food, take the boys to their summer activities, do our shopping. My mom and sister swooped in to help me handle parties and other pending commitments. We’ve had deliveries of several delicious dinners, neighbors taking the boys to swim lessons, offers to help put the boys to bed while Chris is at work, great medical advice from doctor friends, and loans of awesome medical equipment. We even received a lovely card with a gift certificate for house cleaning inside! The list of all that we have to be grateful for goes on and on. My heart could seriously burst!

Less obvious but deeply profound are the benefits of being able to linger with my boys on these summer days. Sleepy CuddlesWhile it’s certainly not how I would have wanted it to happen, it has been such an exquisite gift to be able to have so many long cuddles, eat meals slowly all together while having rich conversation. Sure, I wish I could take them to the pool and ride bikes and train for that half marathon I signed up to do Labor Day weekend. Since I can’t, I am relishing this probably once-in-a-lifetime elimination of excuses to just be still…to savor my lovelies in a way that the on-the-go me so seldom does. The boys are learning to be more independent, helpful, empathetic. These are skills that I hope they continue to hone forever. Even after the cast comes off for good, maybe we’ll all be a little better at being still and savoring one another. So Summer Plan A is a bust but Summer Plan B is turning out to be pretty OK too. Thank you, universe for this chance to be still and feel so much love.


I HEART Davis!

If ever you wonder why I love my quirky little town so much, just take a look at this vintage Daily Show video. Sure, there are many reasons to love a bicycle-friendly city with over 50 miles of greenbelt, with a highly educated populous…a place that breeds both the famous and imfamous. Still, nothing quite sums up this little town I call home quite like the Daily Show and Stephen Colbert.

Comic Book Mama Encourages Davis to Vote YES on Measure I

I voted “YES!” on Measure I. Water rates are going up either way, Davis…whether it’s to pay back fines for cleanup efforts related to the disgusting quality of our current water (which is classified as “waste water” when it leaves our homes given the high concentration of contaminants including arsenic) or to pay for building a cleaner water infrastructure for the future. I, for one think that we owe it to future generations to think about where we’re going and pony up for a clean, sustainable water future. If you live in Davis and agree, get those ballots in by March 5th!